Wednesday, 2 April 2014

My camp drafts

WALT: Entertain

I have these drafts but I haven't got a puplished one so here are my drafts

Draft 1

We got in the car and talked the whole way we were bubbling with exitment to get to THAT creepy place. We jumped out of the car in a mess of laughter and started running we were so happy about going to the creepy cave. When we finally got to a giant huge hole. I walked in I had to lower my head. Turns out it's not that big. I took a few steps and then a stream of water came rushing into my shoes the water went swish swish swish. The walls were slimy like a toad. There was crayfish in the water there was little and big ones. Because the cave is dark and tightI kept bumping my head on the roof of the cave luckily I was wearing a helmet. I crouched down most of the time. When we got to the end we turned of all of our touchs then we saw lots of glow worms they looked like tiny lanterns glowing at night. I didn't want to go down the tight space. We went back out I was scared stiff. When we went to see the wetas the where so big.

Draft 2

We got in the car and talked the whole way we were bubbling with exitment to get to THAT creepy place. We jumped out of the car in a mess of laughter and started running we were so happy about going to the creepy cave. When we finally got to a huge hole. In my head I was saying do it do it. I walked in I had to lower my head. Turns out it's not that big. I took a few steps and then a stream of water came rushing into my shoes the water went swish swish swish. The walls were slimy like a
toad. There was crayfish in the water there was little and big Ones. I kept bumping my head on the roof of the cave luckily I was wearing a helmet. I crouched down most of the time. When we got to the end we turned of all of our touchs then we saw lots of glow worms they looked like tiny lanterns glowing at night. I didn't want to go down the tight space. But the cave was calling to me " go do it go do it". We went back out I was scared stiff. When we went to see the wetas the where so big. When the people that went in the tight space and went in with no adults came out I felt a bit anoyed with myself. I said to myself "I should have done it".
                                           Draft 3

We got in the car and talked the whole way we were bubbling with exitment to get to THAT creepy place. We jumped out of the car in a mess of laughter and started running we were so happy about going to the creepy cave. When we finally got to a huge hole. Scary thoughts came into my head like you will be scared. In my head I was saying do it do it. I walked in I had to lower my head. Turns out
it's not that big. I took a few steps and then a stream of water came rushing into my shoes the water went swish swish swish. The walls were slimy like a toad. There was crayfish in the water there was little and big Ones. I kept bumping my head on the roof of the cave luckily I was wearing a helmet. I crouched down most of the time. When we got to the end we turned of all of our touchs then we saw lots of glow worms they looked like tiny lanterns glowing at night. I didn't want to go down the tight space. But the cave was calling to me " go do it go do it". We went back out I was scared stiff. The rest of the group went in I just stood there doing nothing. When we went to see the wetas the where so big. When the people that went in the tight space and went in with no adults came out I felt a bit anoyed with myself. I said to myself "I should have done it". I stood there with hands in my pockets and scuffed dirt with my shoes.

                                                                 Draft 4



We got in the car and talked the whole way we were bubbling with exitment to get to THAT creepy slimy spooky place. We jumped out of the car in a mess of laughter and started running we were so happy about going to the creepy cave. When we finally got to a huge hole. Scary thoughts came into my head like you will be scared to death. In my head I was saying do it do it. I walked in I had to lower my head. Turns out it's not that big. I took a few steps and then a stream of water came rushing into my shoes the water went swish swish swish. The walls were slimy like a toad. There was crayfish in the water there was little and big Ones. I kept bumping my head on the roof of the cave luckily I was wearing a helmet. I crouched down most of the time. When we got to the end we turned of all of our touchs then we saw lots of glow worms they looked like tiny lanterns glowing at night. I didn't want to go down the tight skinny small space. But the cave was calling to me " go do it go do it". We went back out I was scared stiff. The rest of the group went in I just stood there doing nothing.
 When we went to see the wetas the where so big. When the people that went in the tight space and went in with no adults came out I felt a bit anoyed with myself. I said to myself "I should have done it". I stood there with hands in my pockets and scuffed dirt with my shoes and nearly cried but at least I was out of that creepy, spooky, tight, slimy, skinny, dirty, Forrest monster.


2 comments:

  1. I just love reading through your drafts Aria to see the progression that you writing has made over time. In your final draft, I especially like sentence "The cave was calling me 'go do it, go do it.' I love it! As the reader, I got a real sense of your feelings during the caving trip on camp. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you I will make sure I keep doing those kind of sentences.

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