Thursday, 11 September 2014

Writing sample

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was: linking ideas between paragraphs 
                                                       

SUCCESS CRITERIA
Paragraphing
My writing is organised into paragraphs, each with it’s own idea or ‘scene.’


Structure
I have organised and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal
Here is my first draft


 The lost animals                        
                                                                          
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
Intro 

Dear reader
Once there were some pets. ( it was quite amazing people had lions and tigers as pets.
One thing lions weren't bad and tigers were like cats. When people saw the animals they weren't afraid. They cuddled them as well as feed them. This was creepy. This is the story of how animals became wild.

Chapter one
"Roar" oh no the cranky lion has woken up. Oh lazy tiger can you bath somewhere else. Oh no my white dove sapphire vomited. Ew this is disgusting. It's 1922 I predict by 1972 that animals would be wild or exstinct. That would be terrible thing for me. I hate my real name so call me ziggy. I don't want to describe myself I want to stay a secret but the only thing I'm saying is there's something wrong with this town because I can time travel. 

Chapter two

I've seen loads of towns in the future and the past and so far this is the worst town yet. I hoped that in Palmerston North 2014 would be the best town yet. That left me in disgrace. My animals and I are very close. I couldn't bare to let them go. The only animals our town has are lions, tigers, doves, monkeys, foxes, fish, sea lions and turtles.


Chapter three

People have been coming and leaving this town to see the animals. People in this town protect there animals very well because people from other towns have come and tried to take away there animals and kill them. It's been three months since the last attack. I've got a feeling they might attack soon. I have a tracking device so I am ready for them. My white dove is fluttering round the room this means something's wrong


Chapter four

I looked outside my window in disbare there were men with cages. They had evil faces that scared the animals out of there skin. I hid them away in the cupboard under the stairs. I heard them going to people's houses and getting the animals. Finally they came to my door."We know you have animals" said the leader in a gruff voice. I said "no I don't" in a big voice even though I was very scared inside. The leader yelled at me "give me your animals otherwise we will kill you. I made a big mistake, I let them take my animals. They took them away I nearly had tantrum because I wanted them back. I looked outside and lied my head on the windowsill.

Chapter five

 Everyone was crying except me. I knew I could get them back. I ran down the stairs I tripped I rolled down the stairs in hurry. I sprinted out the door. I gazed out the door I could see them. I ran and ran, I ran until my shoes had holes in them. I through them away and kept running. I finally found them getting a drink, I got a drink and cooled of my toes. They started going across the sea. What was I going to do? I looked up, a little boat was bobbing up and down in the water. Uhhhh it was for borrow for $15, I only had 5 dollars. I gave him all my money, he said that will do.

Chapter six

"thanks" oh no I forgot the paddles, oh well I can use my hands. I am very far behind but I can still see the big boat up ahead. I'm paddling as fast as I can, I'm catching up. I'm on there tail, I'm right behind them I reach out my hand I grab there anchor. I pull myself onto the boat, so what if I don't bring the boat back. I find my animals then the guards saw me. I ran as fast as I could into one of the cabins and locked myself in. I looked ahead there was a little island. I heard the guards saying "that's good the kids locked in there, we are very close to the island.

Chapter seven

We arrived at the island, I saw them unloading the animals. They let them in pens so they couldn't leave the island. I sneaked out of the boat and saw my animals, they were whining very loud. Oh no I got caught.

By Aria Jamieson 2014

Here is my edited piece 

"We know you have animals" said the leader in a gruff voice. I said "no I don't" in a big voice even though I felt very scared inside. The leader yelled at me "give me your animals otherwise we will kill you. I made a huge mistake; they took them away. I let them take my animals away.

Chapter five

Sadly I gazed outside and lay my head on the windowsill. Everyone was crying except me. I knew I could get them back. I had potential. Everyone knew that. Suddenly I had a fantastic idea. Tripping and rolling down the stairs in such a hurry; I hurt myself but I didn't care. Dashing out the door I caught a glimpse of them, that lifted my spirits. I sprinted as fast as I could go, running until my shoes had holes in them. It didn't bother me I just threw them away and kept running. In the distance they had stopped at a halt; I wondered why? I overheard them while They were getting a drink in a lovely village; they were going to have a drink and start going across the big blue sea. What was I going to do?

Evaluation
How has your writing has improved this term?
It has changed by using better words to make my story better and leaving my story in suspense 
The part of my story I am most proud of is the middle because I have put lots of detail in this part
Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?
Use similes and don't write to many I's


Feedback/Feedforward: That is an amazing story  it is very creative I don't know how you came up with it. There were just a few words that you didn't spell correctly mabye they can be your spelling words
-Bella

1 comment:

  1. Hi Aria - all that persevering paid off, your sentences are starting to flow into one another and you are aware of your audience as you write. Don't be afraid to play with words and sentences, that'w what great writers do! I want you to continue to link ideas between sentences next term.

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